Explaining

Well I suppose I have a lot of explaining to do...

As many of you know over the past year or so the majority of the people associated with Youth Leadership Institute have moved to Idaho in a hope to expand the community in which has been started at APU in California. I was very against this move for quite some time. No matter what was said I thought it was too stupid.

God has been changing my heart a lot lately. At the conference this year a lot came to the surface in Wes and my relationship. At first it seemed as though everything was going to be all better and that we were going to have a far better relationship than we had been having. The more I started to work through the issues that came up at the conference the more confused I got because I was not feeling a sense of healing, but I was instead feeling more and more anger. At myself for wearing so many masks for so long in an attempt to pretend some of what was going on was not actually going on. At Wes for what had gone on. At my friends for either not knowing and not noticing or at the ones that did know what was going on and never did anything about it. I did not like where my life was going. I tried to talk myself out of this anger and nothing seemed to work, the anger and hurt just kept building up more and more inside of me.

We just got back from Team 3, the wilderness experience I was able to be a part of. I did a lot of thinking while I was in the middle of the most beautiful place I have ever been.

Ever since Wes and I started dating about 4 years ago, I feel as though everyone forgot who Ashley was. I was suddenly Ashley, Wes' girlfriend, that one chick who is dating Wes, Wes and Ashley. For a long time I really enjoyed this identity. One thing I thought about more and more while we were up there was that I don't even know who the heck I am anymore, let alone anyone else. This really scared me. I am not saying it was bad that when people thought of Wes they thought of Ashley and when people thought of Ashley they automatically thought of Wes, but I just feel as though I have no clue who I am anymore. I don't want to start my life this way.

APU. Most people who know me well enough know that I chose to attend APU for no other reason that I couldn't live without Wes. Some of my best memories were at APU this past year, but also some of my absolute worst memories were at APU this past year. Right now I am paying $30,000 a year to get a teaching credential that will do me no good if I decide to live anywhere but California, and with the amount I will have in student loans and the cost of living in California I will not be staying there long anyways.

People that are around Wes and I for any long period of time know that we bicker a lot. We are always in some little argument or another. This really makes a lot of the time we spend together miserable.

I spent a lot of time in the past week and a half thinking about my life and where I am at. For the first time I admitted I am very unhappy in my life. I thought and prayed a lot about all these thoughts, along with several others and came to a decision.

I am going to move here to Idaho and be part of the community of revolutionaries that I have made a commitment to through YLI. I want a fresh start in my life, away from all of the distractions and things in my life. Part of this came with making the hardest decision of my life, ending the 4 year relationship I have had with Wes. I feel like I cannot grow and become the woman God wants me to be when I am so consumed by a relationship. Wes has become everything to me. We talk about worshiping people and that is what I have done times 1000. This is not fair to Wes. I am not seeking God in every aspect of my life. I am seeking Wes and searching for all of the answers to my life questions in Wes. I have not been putting God first in any aspect of my life. I have been putting Wes first. I have not given either of us the opportunity to grow because I suffocate any chance by my need to be with Wes. Wes has told me this before, that I never give him his space, he reminds me that we are not married. I hate that I did not understand this sooner. One of my closest friends said to me, "Girl, you are way overcommitted in your relationship!" This is so true. I have been asking Wes to be my husband in everyday life, but never giving him a chance to become that person.

I thought if I just moved to Idaho and stayed in my relationship with Wes things would work out and we could grow and heal what needed to grow and heal. But the more I thought about it and with how well I know myself, I would have made our time apart a living hell. I honestly believe that I would not have given either of us this opportunity. So as I thought about it and prayed about it more and more, I believe I made the best, yet hardest decision of my life.

I still love and care about Wes very much, which makes my decision even more painful. I pray that God will heal us. I am not asking God to put us back together, I am asking God for direction and a friendship that will not die. Wes has given me the best four years of my life and I cannot thank him enough for that. I know the next few months will be the hardest few months of my life, but that is part of the healing process.

I hope that you understand a little more why I have made this decision. Please ask questions. I know many of you are very angry with me right now, and all I can do is say I am sorry. I hope you all might see what I see right now. Thank you for all of the love and support I have recieved over the past few years from everyone, I pray that I will not loose that forever.

I love you all so very much.